I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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