Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
