and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
