I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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