I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
