My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
