Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
