cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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