Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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