I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Michael Bay diarrhea
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
