I cannot find my penis.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
