Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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