i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
