i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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