just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
