Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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