defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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