Everything about him screamed your future.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
