shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
