Redeem this text for a blowjob
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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