It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
