Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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