I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
