she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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