____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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