Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
