he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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