i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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