I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
