I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
