He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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