I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
