Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
