Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
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I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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