I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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