im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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