you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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