that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
