Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
