I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
