He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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