i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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