Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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