did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
