Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
