Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
