so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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