1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
