have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
