We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
