I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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