I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
