and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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