I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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