I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
