all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
