why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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