sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
