epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
